Remember me? It’s been a lot of months! I don’t know where the time has gone, but I figured it was time I talk about where I’ve been and some other details.
The other week my sister dropped my niece of at BYU-Idaho and we met up with them while we were passing through Rexburg. As always, I reminisced about our time there. As of yesterday My Cowboy and I met nine years ago in Rexburg, during my second week of college. Nine years sure doesn’t seem like nine years.
I was reminded of a few things about the weekend my parents dropped me off at college. I had known for years I wanted to attend BYU-Idaho and was excited to do so. But for months before heading off to start my young adult life, some stressful things happened and NOTHING WAS WORKING OUT! At BYU-I they have what is called a track system. They have this system to accommodate more students on campus than they would otherwise be able to. So once you are accepted, they send you a letter to assign you one of their three tracks- fall/winter, winter/spring, or fall/spring. Mine never got sent. It took months and hours of talking on the phone to get somebody who was authorized to give me the info. Next, my whole apartment/rooming situation got sticky-I was supposed to room with friends, it fell through, the manager had me switch rooms to accommodate another girl, and the confusion kept going! There were all these little things that continued to build up until I was stressed enough I was second guessing my choices.
I tried to remember I had already felt peace that I was doing the right things and going to the right place for me. One night, shortly after moving to Rexburg, I was wandering the gardens they have on campus. I found a bench that had a quote. It said, “Bloom where you’re planted”. That hit me and I remembered I had the choice to thrive where I was, regardless of setbacks. Then guess what? School started and something pretty great happened. All of those details that weren’t working out had a direct correlation to me meeting My Cowboy. You know, my future husband and the best part of my life! Without a doubt, God was directing me to him and that likely wouldn’t have happened had things worked out the way I wanted them to. And in retrospect, all of those details that seemed like such a big deal, were really insignificant.
Remembering all of this the other week, gave me some me peace and assurance I needed to continue. God is in the details. It’s something I’ve always known, but have forgot to focus on recently. My load has felt heavy and I had been having a hard time coming to terms with it for a few months. I don’t usually have that problem, so it has really bothered me to feel this way. At the beginning of the year, I mentioned I had been having some health problems. Those health problems have escalated. And while my health is declining, we are grateful to finally have a diagnosis.
After years of doctors visits, followed by this year’s tests, surgery, then more tests, I have been diagnosed with a condition called gastroparesis. What this means is my body doesn’t digest food normally. It digests it extremely slow, meaning the food sits in my stomach for hours and possibly days longer than it should. While gastroparesis is different for everyone, and symptoms vary, what it looks like for me is nausea, severe abdominal pain, loss of appetite, bloating, numerous food sensitivities, weight loss, difficulty sleeping, and malnutrition.
As of the last five or six months, my quality of life has plummeted. Where the last few years, I have had to spend a few hours in bed each morning, now it is a lot more than that. Because of the nausea and abdominal pain, I generally have to spend at least 2-3 days a week in bed all day, and the other days, I can usually be up around 2-3 in the afternoon if I wait for the nausea to wear off. On days I have things going and can’t wait for the nausea to subside, it can be pretty miserable. Occasionally, I will have a better day and get can do with a couple less hours of rest. And some weeks are better while others are worse.
As far as treatment goes, there isn’t a whole lot that can be done for gastroparesis. There is no cure, only aids to help curb the condition. For now we are working on medications and dietary changes to hopefully improve my symptoms. Thus far, nothing has helped, and while we hope we will find something to aid me, I have had to come face to face with the fact that we may not and I have to be okay with that. My last weigh-in I was at 100 pounds exactly. Food is my enemy. I have to eat it to survive, I love food and am a foodie at heart, but now all foods make me sick. Consequences from what I eat, can be really severe. For years, I was able to keep a handle on my symptoms based off of food. I knew what to eat, what to avoid, what to eat sparingly. And while there are still many foods that make my symptoms worse than others, all foods contribute to them. I feel sick no matter what I eat.
Eating has always been more than just filling my body for me. It is an experience. And while this may sound funny coming from somebody who runs a dessert blog, (I also believe in treating yourself regularly :)) I am very passionate about health and fitness. It is extremely important to me and being told by doctors that I have to avoid some of the healthiest foods because they can make my condition worse has been a really, really hard thing for me to accept. My calorie intake is low, thus the weight loss. I have been sick for years now, but the fact that I am starting to look sick from the weight loss has made it more real. Another hard pill for me to swallow is exercise. Exercise is no longer the pleasure I used to find it. I try to keep up with it and am able to do some, but I generally feel worse after and it often does me in for the day. Because of low appetite, and low caloric intake, my energy level is a big struggle as well. Enough of those details. I hope you aren’t asleep by now, if you’ve even made it this far. I just didn’t know how else to set up the picture.
While all of these things have been and are a constant battle for me, I’m grateful for the knowledge that God is in the details. Maybe I don’t want to be sick everyday. I wish I could eat more pizza and cheese. I wish I could work out more. I wish I had the energy and felt good enough to do more with this blog. I wish I didn’t have to miss out on so much! I wish we weren’t getting set back even further on having babies. I wish I could weed my garden. I wish I could just get up at 6 am. and function! But the other week was a reminder that while things may not be working out the way I want, just like all those insignificant details causing frustration my first semester of college, I know if it is God’s will for me to be sick, He will use it for my benefit, regardless of the outcome, if I have faith and accept it. He is leading me and guiding me to a better future and blessings than I could ever possibly dream up on my own, having things go my way.
Ronald A. Rasband said, “Looking back, I realized I did not orchestrate any of those moves; the Lord did, just as He is orchestrating important moves for you and for those you love…allow Him to make more of you than you can make of yourself…treasure His involvement. Sometimes we consider changes in our plans as missteps on our journey…He is in the small details of your life as well as the major milestones.”
I am so grateful I can look back and see reminders of how God has guided me throughout my life. It is assuring and brings peace that I can’t find anywhere else. I am also grateful my situation is what it is. Many with gastroparesis are on a feeding tube, face frequent hospitalization, and suffer much more than I do. So, it is a struggle, but I am alive and am coping. And am trying to bloom where I’m planted, in the midst of sickness. Life is still good and there is always happiness and joy to be found along the journey. As I’ve written before- I’ve seen this in my life and the lives of those around me- whenever I am in the midst of something hard, there are more blessings than I can count and God always makes up the difference, even when the details aren’t part of our plans.
