I always have nostalgic tendencies this time of year. Then again, I tend to live life with them. But the particular memories that invoke the emotions I am referring to in this instance relate to when My Cowboy rode into my life.
Mid-September is our “meet-aversary” and this year it hit us with an eight year marker. I don’t know how that is possible, but apparently it is. Time passes so swiftly and I realize I still like to think of myself as a nineteen-year-old new bride, but an irritating fact in the back of my mind reminds me that I am significantly closer to thirty than I am to nineteen.
Even though I am still pretty darn young, I am not even near ready to believe those first years of adulthood are such a ways behind me. A month after that fateful night on the dance floor where My Cowboy and I shared our first dance, we shared our first date, and six months after that I officially became his little lady in the permanent fixture of marriage.
Along with all of these happy memories of the past, I decided it was high time we had new pictures this fall. My Cowboy’s cousin, who just happened to be our engagement and wedding photographer, once again captured, not just photos, but us. So I wanted to share. And I wanted to talk about life, because pictures and life definitely coincide. And while these pictures are beautiful, they aren’t necessarily the ones we thought we would be posing for eight years ago.
Life is a wonderful, yet strange thing, isn’t it? Just when you think you know what form your picture will take, it leads you onto paths along the way that are significantly different than any setup you had planned. This can be hard. It is hard. Sometimes, it is really, really hard.
Like I said, these pictures aren’t the ones I would have guessed we would be taking eight years later. We both planned that they would include more. More of us. An expansion of us. Life didn’t quite set up the scene the way we imagined. Eight years later, there are still only two of us. Our anticipated plans included maybe three, maybe four little ones by now, with more to come. That photo still has some time to develop. We hope it will, but even if it doesn’t take the form we plan, we will embrace it with God’s help.
My Cowboy has a great job that he loves. Believe it or not, we also live in the area we planned, but we both thought work would shift us towards standing in a different field than we are in are now. My Cowboy is a cowboy through and through though, so he is used to the unexpected changes of the range. The heavy shifts in the wind, the quickly brewing storm, the pleasant sunset that reminds you how to find peace and happiness amidst all of those changes. And also the reminder that sometimes God prepares you to take a different direction than you ever planned.
That smile. My smile. It is genuine because I am happy. The depth of the love I have for My Cowboy is more fulfilling than I had the capacity to comprehend as a new bride. I knew back then it would be good, but just how good time has told and will continue to tell. This picture portrays that, even though it is more difficult for a picture to depict what lies behind a smile. Behind that smile, in the deep, hidden parts of my mind have come struggles I always knew were present, but never could have known would be so far-reaching that no camera could possibly ever accurately portray them.
Mental illness has afflicted me since I was in grade school. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder raided my mind in ways that would some days, some weeks, and some months, leave me broken. But as life carries on, God teaches us to cope. As I entered adulthood, I had no way of knowing my worst fronts with mental illness were ahead of me and not behind.
My early twenties reworked our picture to include even more severe mental illness behind my smile. Depression and anxiety left me significantly more broken and lost than even OCD did. Life frequently felt void of light, though I try my hardest to cling to light. That smile became less frequent, but still it held on, thanks to God and My Cowboy. The debilitating darkness that clouded my mind changed our picture forever. No longer was that smile usually the truth. At times, it was a mechanism used to hide the pain, the darkness, the stress, and save me from stigmas pronounced by those who may not understand.
Behind the smiles you see here are two people who have had to face mental illness head on. Me, being the direct sufferer, and My Cowboy being the caregiver. Stress and worry were his companion through this unexpected shift in our story just as depression and anxiety were and still often are my overbearing partners. Included in these smiles here is an even deeper understanding of one another. And that is a picture that we are proud of.
Waves of depression and anxiety surface unexpectedly. Sometimes we may know certain circumstances we face with trigger them, but regardless of what any given day looks like, they may come. One such wave afflicted me today. A wave of sadness and hopelessness. And I felt that though I had no desire to and did not feel like I had the energy in me, I needed something good to come out of this wave. That is why I am sharing this post today. I have intended to share some of these thoughts for a while, but felt that today was the day. Whether it was for my own healing or somebody else’s, I pray it will touch anyone who may need it.
Pictures and life are different for everyone. Have any of your pictures developed just the way you thought they would? My assumption is your answer is no, just like mine, but that is a guess :). I think what makes all the difference with pictures and life is the lighting. Any photographer knows that good lighting is crucial to quality photos. Sometimes the outdoors readily present the perfect lighting for us and sometimes we have to work with poor lighting through changing camera settings or other means. There are times when achieving that desired light is filled with unforeseen obstacles.
Regardless, photographers work to create that light. I have found life to be similar. Sometimes the perfect light is easily available and sometimes we have to work a little, or a lot harder to create it. At times, light can be really difficult to come by. Life can overcast us with unexpected storms that hinder our ability to see and grasp light. Fortunately dark days always come to an end. And though it may not always be apparent, dark days have their blessings too. Like the way the light shines out even more brilliantly when we persevere through any dimness we may face. Once we have done that, a greater appreciation for light surfaces.
While these photos aren’t exactly how we pictured our life to be, they depict us. They share our story. Finding the best lighting hasn’t happened every day for us. But we are glad these pictures are proof that we are finding it. We aren’t perfect and we don’t always wear these smiles. But we are finding happiness and richness in life through the light God grants us to see properly the blessings that surround us. Pictures and life gave me some insight today. I hope and pray if needed, they will give you some too.
Since this is the season of gratitude, I want to express how immeasurably grateful I am for all that God blesses me with, and today especially, that He always blesses me with the light I need to accept the pictures that take form in my life. Because He knows what I need to create the picture of who He wants me to be.
